All you, who hate Karan Johar and the likes....

This one is for you.

This is a translation(by me) of the foreword written by Jayakanthan for his short novel "Not because of kindness" ( Kaunayinaal alla). Jaykanthan is a noted tamil writer, who was given the Jnanpith award for 2002 recently.(2002 award is given in 2005!!!!!!). He is 71 now. He won the Sahitya academy award when he was just 38.He is (was) a prolific writer and has written about 40 novels and 200 short stories.
And to think that Jaykanthan is a self taught man!! He ran away from home the age of 12 and lived with his uncle in Madras , who was a communist party member. He has had no formal education after that and lived in the Jansakthi office.Hence the leftist leanings in him.

I believe Jayakanthan was the one who started writing in the local dialect of the people. Earlier all class of people spoke alike in stories, i.e in proper pure tamil. Jaykanthan wrote the way a labourer or a brahmin would speak just as they would speak in real life .

Most of his stories created controversies for their unorthodox-ity(??) .I would like to point out one particular story he wrote in the 60's - "Agni parikshai" (Trial by fire), if I am right. A young brahmin girl on her way home one night, gets raped. When she reaches home and her mom , an orthodox brahmin widow (orthodox to the extent that she has shaved her head and wears the saffron colour saree) realises what has happened she just asks her to take a bath and forget the incident.And the story ends there.(In Tamil culture, "thalai muzhugidradhu" or pouring water on head symbolises renouncing a particular relation/thing. Here the mom is asking her daughter to renounce or put that accident behind her).This short story was published in Ananda Vikatan*(1) and obviously stirred a hornet's nest in those days.
The story was later made into a movie .But in the movie they make the girl meet the guy who rapes her later and fall in love with him and I believe it was not in the same spirit as the story was. Neither have I read the story nor have I seen the movie. But I have seen that particular scene where the mother asks the daughter to take bath. And this was pointed out to me by my mother, while I was flipping channels .She narrated the story too I believe. I am not sure. I was pretty young then , maybe 13 or 14and it always surprises me that my mom chose to point out this to me at that age.But then thats another blog.

Recently spotted a library , which has a good collection of tamil novels and got some Jayakanthan's books to read. His forewords to his novels and short story collections are as interesting to read as his stories themselves. The ideas expressed below are not new to any of us, but I was just impressed that this was written by Jayakanthan in 1965!!! An age when the likes of Shivaji and MGR ruled the roost,the former because of his ability to deliver pages and pages of dialogue with passion non stop and "acting" abilities and the latter who always played larger than life roles on screen.An age when it was noble to suffer , to sacrifice ...

I have tried to translate the foreword to the best of my abilities. If the piece below is lacking in flavor or spirit, its only because of my limitations as a translator and not anything else.

FOREWORD for "Karunayinaal alla" -by D Jayakanthan.

I am writing this short story with the full knowledge that unlike my others published in Ananda Vikatan*(1), this one would not a have roaring welcome. It has become my nature to stir controversy through whatever I write.I liked it too.But lately I have been wanting to develop a approach to writing non-controversial things and also a taste for them. I have written lots of short stories in an effort to do that. "Not because of kindness" (Karunayinaal alla) is because I wanted to write a short novel too in the same genre.

Exaggerated emotions have always disgusted me. When on the rare occasion this has happened to my own writings, without my realisation and because of the influence of the prevalent atmosphere, I have been disgusted with it too.I am saying this cautiously because some might think that anything emotional is exaggerated.

Before deciding that something has been exaggerated, all angles concerning it should be taken into consideration.
An impact of an incident on one would be more or less, depending on the way one views the incident.This level of impact can be understood only if we are capable of putting ones' own self aside and understand that given the social atmosphere,unique past, this character would behave in this fashion only.

This mental state is essential not only for the writer, but for the reader too.

In our current society's art and literary scene,everything is exaggerated.The amount of exaggeration in the reaction to the death of a soldier in war, which has departed form the stain of sadness to celebrating it as a noble sacrifice, would make one think that people might cry for those who have survived the war.

Recently I happened to read a "special" short story written like a Diwali sweet.A mother is crying for her son who has died in the warfront. The father consoles her by saying "Don't cry.Be happy.." and continues to speak along the lines of glorifying death in war and courage.

The presence of such exaggeration in literature would only result in the growth of a dumb-wit trend.This disgusting exaggeration is present in all departments like cinema, drama and stories to the extent of saturation.What is the reason for such a trend? It is because the socity is afflicted with a mental disease called sadism.

Enjoying torturing a man, deliberately exaggerating tendar emotions,rolling a iron rod on the strings of a Veena,repeatedly showing the dead body of a kid which was playing short while ago,making a respected and strong gentleman cry - what are these, if not sadism?

All the above are non-existant in life.If crying is an art, the above mentioned are basic necessities to such a society.These are not abnormal; they are sub-normal - cruel caricatures of emotions lower than the normal day-to-day ones.

The people whom we meet in daily life are not show-cases. 16 years olds are not the only ones who are in love .Those walking hand-in-hand are not college going young girls and boys , shown in movies. I am not gloating that this truth has been discovered by me.It is a truth known to all , experienced by all, yet not known to the writers and readers of today.Neither is it known to the movie makers and movie goers of today. The fact that everybody knows this truth and that it shows the contradictions in our cultural and social life, is realised by me or maybe some people similar to me.

Such a realisation should help develop a taste.That is why Gouri knows that sadness is present in the lonely state of a human,despite having all comforts in life.And also why Mudaliar knows that complications and frustrations can occur not because of others' hate, but because of their kindness too.

Love is not hormones or physical attraction alone. A dignified emotion in our lives has been disgraced by our stories and our attempts at art.As a result of this, love is disgraced in real life too sometimes, infact many a times nowadays.Even insuch a society I have seen people like Gauri and Mudaliar, whome society has made fun off, fall in love.Physical needs is not the basis of human love. It has other basis and reasons like society, economical conditions and manodharma*(2).

Life has not happened beyond the above said reasons.But the stupidity of considering what is art and stories for reasons other than the above mentioned is being nurtured now. As a result some try to put forward an "intelligent" arguement like "How can we enjoy reading or watching the same things which we experience in our day to day life?" These people want to forget this complicated and difficult life by spending a few hours reading and watching something! Art and literature should supply the necessary intoxication is their arguement.This is not even a complete arguement.Even while supplying this intoxication, they want me to wear the masks of culture and heritage and save these people's face.

Yes, life is complicated and full of difficulties.Those people who think these problems are never ending can commit suicide.It would do them good.That they do not think this way really is proven by the fact that they continue to live and read.Because they are scared, they wage some kind of shadow war to escape from themselves.Anyone hwo is living cannot afford to forget life.Instead they should try and understand life. If one wants to understand something, one cannot ignore it and talk about some other thing to understand it.

"The truth, emotions and sentiments which we experience in daily life, but do not understand- I am trying to talk about only those" - If we are able to cultivate an attitude to write and read with this consciousness ,then we can experience something special even in our ordinary and mundane daily activities.

I thank the magazines, publishers wo have helped me in sharing such experiences.

Glossary:

1) Ananda Vikatan - Tamil weekly magazine.
2) Manodharma - (Mano means "of heart".Didnt know a equivalent word. so i ams just reproducing it).

Summa....aise hich..

Commencement of uttarayana , end of Margazhi is here.Bhishma Pitamaha waited till Uttaryana punyakaala to breathe his last it seems.oh, well..all i can think is Chennai is gonna get hotter everyday now.**sigh**

Yday KTV reminded viewers that today is Bhogi by playing "Kattukuyilu manasukuLLe.." from Thalapathi

poda ellam vittu thaLLu
pazhasa ellam suttu thaLLu
pudusa ippo pirandomenru , ennikkoLLada

[ shoot the past, let the bygones be bygones...lets think we were born anew today ]--- am tempted to point out SPB vs Jesudoss in the above song...but let that be--------

Inspite of it, forgot that today is Bhogi.Thanks to NDTV, morning was spent discussing the pontiffs.
Sights of streets flooded with Sugarcanes , Tamarind plants(is that whay they r called?) reminded me that Sankranthi n Boghi are out there .And ofcourse, the smog early morning. Lot of want-Blr-in-Chennaiites mistook it for fog ..heheheh..
anyways, familiar sights are reassuring . An advantage of staying in the place u grew up, i suppose.

Sahara ONE aired Mr.India last Sunday..and to think Mogambo passed away just two days after !!!!!

So this song was going on "Karte hain hum pyaar Mr.India se..". I told Dill, "now dats Kishore Kumar "..Dill said Kishore had died by then. Argued it was indeed him, but Dill wudnt listen. When "Kaate nahin kat the yeh din.." came, again felt it was Kishore..but was kind of not sure..
Monday checked raaga.com n called back Dill triumpantly..all I got was a

"Monday subah subah kaam nahin hai tumhe!!!"

Me thinks, Dill needs to learn to be more graceful in accepting defeat, humph!!!


Whats with this year n pregnant ladies !!!
Today got to know that two gals , i know, gave birth to babies sometime last week.That makes 2 out of the 8 I know, who are pregnant.More wickets to fall in the forthcoming months..3 of them just in June!! Something wrong with chennai water..or some kind of breeding season in June maybe??

Sharath Kumar has a Pongal release "Ayya" - i guess this is the third movie where he is doing the "father-son" dual role.

Only Rajni in his prime did a father's role with quiet dignity in "Nallavanuku nallavan"
When he sings

"chittuku chella chittukku ,
oru siragu muLaithadhu
rathathil vandha sondhangaL, andha uravu murindhadhu "

[ the little bird grew wings..the relations that came thru blood, got broken (cuz of the wings ]
my heart goes out for him...**sniff**

Dont know how to end the blog...so stoooooooooooooooooooooooppping here..

On second thoughts will end with a thalaivar song..

"Raman aandalum, ravanan aandalum enakkoru kavalai illa..."

[ i dont care if Ram rules or Ravan rules..]

Growing up with boys..(Part 1)

Cycle all the way..
It was late afternoon .The whole apartment was quite . I was hurrying down the stairs to Food world. At the bottom of the stairs ,Vishal n Vinay almost crashed into me with their cycles.Both were the brothers and stayed in the opposite house.Vishal was 7 n Vinay 5. Vinay flashed a grin at me, turned to Vishal and said urgently "Speed anna..anna pls.."
Vishal got down from his cycle, which was slightly bigger than Vinay's. He violently pulled Vinay's cycle from the stairs, turned it and started pushing the cycle with Vinay in it.Out they went shreiking, yelling across the parking lot. I got scared at their speed and rushed to tell them to slow down. Sure enough, before I could reach them, I saw them crashing into the gate. Luckily, they were not hurt. But the cycle's handlebar was twisted .Vishal straightened it and again they went yodelling.
The scene was so familiar , I forgot to rebuke them for cycling so fast.

So many summers back, on a similar hot afternoon ,Jem was teaching me cycling. I was a fourth grader then and Jem in 9th grade.The cycle was rented by the hour . Jem, after another bout of running behind my cycle , was standing panting , sweat pouring down his body. He was at his wit's end trying to teach me cycling . I was simply not able to balance . I kept doing drunken-driving.
So, Jem the intellectual that he was, suggested me to peddal fast.
"If u cycle fast, u can balance easily" and gave the cyle a push, with all his might. I peddalled fast and lo, the cycle was going on a straight line. I was simply exhilarated at this thrilling experience and pedalled more furiously .WHAM! BANG! I had hit the lamp post.Blood was pouring down my knee and tears welled in my eyes. Jem came near me and said triumpantly "Good.that works. If u ride fast , u are able to balance. Keep that going and u will be able to ride easily soon. And yes, dont forget to keep your eyes open".

And that guys is my eldest brother Jem - our inhouse 'dry wit' expert and ofcourse intellectual.

I went crying to my mom , expecting loads of sympathy.

"How do u expect to learn cycling without hurting urself? Go clean ur Knee and put some Mebusil*[1]"

And that, is my mom - guess by now u know how she is-- she wears that 'am-da-practical-lady' sign on her sleeve.

By the end of the summer, I learnt to ride the bicycle on my own. Then we had two bicyles - one for Jem and one for Ben. Ben is my second eldest brother,two year elder than me.Both of them went to school in cycle, while I went in rickshaw. I yearned to go in cycle too, but my mom decided 5th grade was too young to be going in cycle to school and my supplication was summarily rejected.

Towards the middle of my 5th grade , it was decided that I should start taking the Hindi prachar sabha exams .And so I was also enrolled for hindi tuitions. Jem and Ben were attending hindi classes already. Since Jem was in 10th grade and was busy with board exam preparations and also becuz achiever-he-was-going-to-be, he roamed around with a
'do-not-disturb-me' sign written all over .So it fell upon Ben to ferry me to-n-fro the tuition in his bicycle.

Now Ben had a sisdistic(sister+sadist-sadistic when he sees sister- maybe Yosso can explain better) streak in him.

The first few days of our trip on cycle was without any incidents. Then it started .

One day Ben stopped the cycle on the way suddenly and said "Scout, get down for a moment".
I immediately got down from the carrier, wondering whats wrong!

Ben turned to me and said "Now run along with me "started cycling nonchalantly.

Bewildered, I started running beside the cycle with tears threatening to run down any moment.

After a few minutes, he stopped the cycle and asked me to climb.

When I reported the incident back home , mom shouted at Ben. But Ben protested and looked amused.
And ofcourse, mom shouted at me for being stupid enough to get down n run along, when he asked me to. So I was determined the next time.

After a few days, we had a fight on the way to tuition and Ben asked me to get down again.
I got down from the cycle and told him that I would walk my way .Ben was cycling slowly beside me .After a few mins, he asked me to get on the cycle. I flatly refused.
Ben was getting worried . He knew that If i reached tuition walking, the teacher would give him an earful .(She was a very nice lady and took a maternal interest in all the students).

Ben then told me that if I didnt climb on the cycle , then he would curse that my sandal would break.
I was like "Right..go ahead"

And to my astonishment, my sandal broke .To this day I do not know how this happened.

I was totally put off and before I could cry and create a scene in the streets, Ben made me climb the cycle and took me to tuitions.

Ben also took a relish in speeding up ,before approaching a pot-hole.He would stand on the pedal just when we are crossing the pot-holet. The cycle went DADDAM and my poor bottom went well..err..u know..

Tired of my complaints, my parents got me a cycle next year and put a fullstop to Ben's sisdism.

Today when I confront Ben with the above incidents, he would shake my head, laugh and say "That was for fun deee"..

But I have one more memory of Ben , a far cry from his sisdistic image.

One day tired of riding small bicycles, I was practicing on Ben's cycle , which was the regular size.
Ben came to me and said "Why are u riding with both hands like gals? Practice riding with a single hand"
I refused saying I was scared .
Ben then hld my left hand and running beside the cycle holding my left hand , helping me practice .
After two rounds or so on the street , I was able to ride single-handedly . Before I could show Ben, he had moved on to play with his friends......



Glossary:
1] Mebusil - I amnot sure of its name. But some kind of powder, which we used to put on injuries. Dont see it around nowadays.

Classic tales from college - Part 1

"The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in lady lecturers and
guys : A study in psychic transrelational gender modes".


There is a saying in tamil "Pennukku penne edhiri" -a woman's enemy is a woman herself.
How true!! Mother-in-law, sister-in-law , daughter-in-law, co-sister , the other woman - these are the most
popular in the enemy list.Thanks to Ektha Kapoor and satellite channels, everybody knows them.

But there is another breed, which is more subtle and least acknowledged outside the female community.
They are the lady lecturers in colleges.Guys, I can see u raise ur eyebrows. Ladies, I know u r with me.

Its after the first few months into college or after the first semesteror so. Everything is settled.
Territories drawn, boundaries established, kingdoms **ahem** cornered - in short u r enjoying ur fair share
of attention, when suddenly there appears signs of trouble on the horizon.
Suddenly there is a rise in the number of ppl attending lectures , chits (which have "How do u like Vitalstatistix" of A&o?
written on them)
are no longer passed to u [ hope now guys r clear that i was addressing gals above ] , flirtations in lab are almost
next to nil , nobody even asks ur notes and....u r getting the drift right?
BY the time u zero in on the reason - its the new pretty lady lecturer - its too late. One of the reasons,
we gals pick up this late is ,cuz we never in our wildest dreams could have expected competition from such a quarter.

I have no qualms in admitting that beautiful lady lecturers simply steal the attention from the poor class gals.
These lectures fall into three broad categories

1) mid-twenties
2) mid- thirties
3) mid-forties n above

Mid- Twenties:

These again can be classified into the married ones n not married ones.

These beautiful (oh yes..they are always beautiful..) mid twenties,after being a total failure elsewhere, decides to take
a shot at teaching the local engg college. Conveniently 55 year old Prof.Rangachari goes on a long leave in the middle
of the semester, becuz his wife is not feeling well. The college offers a temp post and Ms.Shettty steps in.
And thats how the saga starts.Even the lone gal in the mechanical engg dept,
throws her hands up in despair..

Suddenly all the boys go berserk,with their love for Fluid dynamics.Everyone attends the class,esp the labs.
The number of doubts raised in conducting the "Reynold's number" calculation experiment ,would have outnumbered the
number of doubts ever raised to Prof.Rangachari, in his 30 year teaching career.

Even after the labs, there is always a crowd 'waiting' to clear their doubts in lab calulations

One day she comes to class with her dupatta pinned neatly. We gals know what it means - a sleevless
salwar and she is trying to hide that - and exchange glances. Our instintcs have been honed over generations u see.

When Ms.Shetty attempt to write on the board, the dupatta fails to do its job leading to some revelation.
The collective sigh from the other sex almost choked the gals that day.

That day at

BOY'S HOSTEL:

Ms.Shetty wore a sleeveless today!(rolling eyes)

GAL'S HOSTEL:

Ms.Shetty wore a sleeveless today!(rolling eyes)

I am sure U know how to interpret the above.

These unmarried breed always wore salwar. They never wore sarees to class.

But the married ones wore sarees more frequently - Fridays, auspiscious days, functions etc etc.
These elevated the art of wearing saree to a new level. It was always neatly pleated, hip, back areas covered deftly.Not
a inch of skin to be seen anywhere. They were very careful with their sarees - wudnt walk too much on the dais that day,
one hand is always adjusting the pallooo and generally know the art of writing on the board.
Also, they shamelessly flaunt their newly acquired marital status - Sindoor, bangles , toe-rings etc etc, leading to
comments "Kuch bhi bolo yaar..shaadi ho gayo tho ladkiyan sahi dikthi hai" and slurping sounds,akin to u-know-who in
that Lambs picture.

Towards the end of the lacklustre semester, the only thing u look forward to is the class picnic.
Alas!That also is marred by the presence of Ms.Shetty. Initially Ms.Shetty refuses to grace the class picnic with her
presence. But the guys are adamant and give her the 'silent treatment' in class.Atlast Ms.Shetty has no choice(!!!)
and relents.Thankfully, the married ones politely refuse to come for the class picnic.Bless their husbands.(They are
always bald and pot bellied. Poor guy has to weather the baleful eyes which stare at him, when he comes to
drop his beautiful wife at college."Lucky bastard!!!!")

At the picnic day, the guys hover around her all day - carrying her bags, getting her water ,food, hanging over
her college picnic anecdotes- in all beaving like a puppy.
At the end of the day everybody is tricked into playing truth/dare.When its Ms.Shetty's turn and she chooses 'truth',
and the guy's pop the question which has been giving them sleepless nights throughout the semester.
"Ma'am..do u have a boyfriend?"
Ms.Shetty immediately laughs and says "Oh..please..somehting else.."
But the guys start chanting "Ma'am..please Ma'am"..
So Ms.Shetty looking all coy and all that says "Well..he is at the US now.We plan to get married when he comes down"
"Would u then resign and join him in the US ma'am?" - the puppies ask.
"Yes ", she says and blushes as if on cue..

This is followed by a mournful silence, while we gals silently spit at the melodrama.


Next semester, u hear that all the guys had been to Ms.Shetty's wedding reception (ofcourse none of the gals went)
and had presented her with a framed foto, taken at the class picnic.U breathe easily now...


Ofcourse , not for long...

The story behind Karuppan..

"Happy familes are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

I guess that explains it all. "Karuppan" is just another story of such a family. No, Its not a true story and is not mine either.
But loosely based on my friend and some similar incidents. The story itself was written a year ago . Those from Sulekha would have read it in Sulekha coffeehouse's creative section.

This friend comes from a similar broken home. She is well educated, has a good career and a very very interesting person.But she is an emotional wreck.Highly insecure when it comes to relations. I have seen her get into one affair after another, in search for that one guy who would love her immensely.She would easily fall for any guy,who is slightly affectionate.Ofcourse, the realisation comes later. Its not that all the guys were bad.There have been good guys.The relationship starts smoothly. Soon she becomes obsessive, jealous , demanding, paranoid and INSECURE. All affairs are doomed from the start.

And she knows what she is like. But she just cannot help herself.

Its been more than two years, since I last her. But I keep hearing about her from friends. And no news is good news.

Whenever I think about her two incidents comes to my mind.

One is where we are discussing "Gone with the wind". And I was comparing Darcy n Rhett Butler. 'Who was the better lover?'
I was all for Darcy.But she liked Rhett Butler. She spoke for close to 20 mins about him. I dont recall what she said either. But I remember the tone,intonation, her excited demeanor , her involvement when she talked about him. Never seen anybody speak that way.

Another incident is , again i do not recollect the topic, but think it was something to do with whom ones' sympathies should lie in case of a broken relation or some such complicated thing. I was stating that the person who hurts is the one to be blamed, even if he/she is also getting hurt in that process.
For which she said "When someone(even a stranger) accidentaly bangs their head against the ceiling bar, dont u also feel the pain when they wince ? Its almost visceral. I feel the urge to immediately go and rub their head for them. I just react to their pain. I cannot distinguish whether the reason behind the pain is righteous or not and I do not care also.."

I think the above clealry describes Anu's character. She is the only person who can relate to her father's suffering. Others are more concerned about the results of his suffering and react only to it , including her mother. Anu knows her mother can take care of herself, but the same is not true with her father. And she resents that her mother does not do anything to reach out to her father. Even though her mother is also suffering,she does not show it and hence she is not able to relate to it.For her, her mother is just strong.

Anu's sympathies always lie with the more vulnerable of the two and so she reacts to her father more.

Once upon a time, I used to have some kind of twisted notion that people who suffer n have some bad experiences are more mature and can handle things with equanimity.And that those from a happy background cannot relate to other's pain. But I have been so wrong. I know a couple of friends , who are from a typical happy family - mature parents ,good economic background and everything else that keeps a bad childhood at bay. These kids are wonderful persons today, balanced and matured with great insight into people and relations.

Ok..Enuff written. This topic is making me depressed.A fine life wasted..


Thank u all for the compliments.


Nithya,
Getting publisehd in Ananda Vikatan,Kalki used to be a benchmark for the writer's ability. But thats old story. But I can perfectly relate to the joy of readding stories in AV..thanks :-))


Asuph,

Now, now modesty is another virtue of the ghati's?
What do we do without our dose of Mrs.Nene?

Cheti,

Ur comment about reasons behind the dead marraige was too apt.

CEC,
Agree with u when u say the age of Anu is kind of vague at various points of the story. When I was writing the story, I tried to point out her age.But I was unable to fit it and it was getting in the way of narration. So I just mentioned towards the end that she was in college first year and that Karuppan's been with them for more than 10 years.
So the narrative is from when she is around 8 years old to around 18. As for her thoughts being quite mature, I might have put my observations as hers. But guess the person involved always has a skewed understanding of his/her position, but refuses to acknowledge it.
As for the comparison with Harper Lee., "You are too kind " :-))


SSM,

Thank u for the detailed comment. I confess i am a poor at commenting myself. Esp, if its a long winded one, feel lazy to type!!!!!!
But I know comments are invaluable to the writer.
I have never had a pet dog or any kind of pet for that matter. And I am a vegetarian.Talked to a couple of non-veggies about mutton n stuff. So, I a happy to see the flavor conveyed.

Guess after I got engaged, i been having writer's block :-) So have not written anything (Or maybe I am run out of things to write about).
U liked the template..**grin**..spent a good half an hour , trying out things. I wanted somethin with a light , non-intrusive background. LIked one, but DSS alreday had it. So went for this..nothing to do with waterbody though.. stay near beach..have gone once in the past 5 months..:((

Ardra ,buck, silk, sapna,anon,imp, Fizo (can i even hope to write a series like 'what lies beneath'!!!!!), funny cide, Saloni..thank u alll
And ofcourse Ananth :-)


Also, I am sorry for such a late reponse. Had a trianing programme at another location for the past couple of days. So couldnt check the comments. Maan! I am overwhelmes..looks like I have to think twice before I produce another piece..:-)

Karuppan - Concluding part

Conclusion


I had a tough time going to sleep and atlast slept in the wee hours of morning.Appa had not returned home the whole night.When I got up, Rekha was already up and studying.Amma was stirred from the bed when I went to her room."Anu..get the milk packet from outside..otherwise the darn cat will drink it off", she said groggily.

My screams brought amma and Rekha running to the front gate. Karuppan was lying dead near the gate.Rigor mortis had set in and she was looking frozen.I knew she was old, but I never expected this.Sobs racked my body.Amma held me gently.Rekha held something in front of my face.Amma took it from her.It was a hypodermic syringe.She pointed at a place near the compound wall.

The same day we packed our things and left the house.We buried Karuppan in the backyard of our house before we left.The poor dog had managed to hold in place a dead marraige for almost 10 years.I have not seen appa since then.Its almost six months now.I am worried that I would bump into him someday.It worries me even more that I would hug him and start crying when I see him.

We never talk about Karuppan at home. Sometimes I would catch amma staring vacantly at space.I wonder what's going through her mind.I had never understood her.Sometimes I think I know what she is feeling, but that thread of thought doesn't exist long enough for me to grasp it.

I no longer dream about happy families , though I must admit that I feel more relaxed and happy in the new house.

I go to meditation classes, because amma feels it would help me feel better whetever that means.The Guruji at class says time heals all wounds and we should just flow with time .I wonder if it heals scars!!

I feel that some are to stay forever permanently.For now, I am just trying to flow with time...

Karuppan - Part 2

Part 2

Appa was as ever affectionate to us though.He would get chocolates and sometimes drop me in school.I was my happiest when he was like this.But even these were becoming rarer .Rekha was like amma. She never touched anything he got.She hardly spoke to him.Even when he made any attempts at converstaion, she would respond in monosyllables and move on.She was younger than me, but I felt she was a lot more mature than me.She never made a fuss or compalined about anything.

I felt as if I was the odd man in the house.Rekha, amma, Karuppan - everybody drew the line somewhere.It was I ,who kept wavering.Rekha and Karuppan had known only amma's affection from young. I ,who had enjoyed both for a brief period was constantly hoping for a miracle.But ofcourse, nothing happend.Appa's drinking binge and yelling continued.Sometimes he wouldn't come home for days.I knew he was going back to his mistress.

One day when Rekha and I were coming back from school, she showed me appa's mistress.She was very ordinary looking and there was nothing beautiful about her.As if understanding my thoughts, Rekha said ,"Do you think he goes to her for her looks...It is the otherway round..It satisfies his ego".Till that day I didn't know life was so convoluted and complicated.

Then one day appa stopped giving money for household expenses.Amma wouldn't take money from amchi or mama either.She started doing her old job.This only made appa pass more comments about amma's morality.Rekha and I stopped going to convent and went to corporation school instead.I hated it.If I had asked appa to put me through convent, I was sure he would agree.After all, that's what he wanted.Rekha was appalled at the idea and minced no words in telling what she thought about me.Amma didn't say anything about the matter.It was not that I approved what appa did, but I felt there was nothing wrong in compromising a little for some happiness.Amma nowadays smiled rarely.She was either away at work or busy with tutions.Whenever she had time, she would sit near Karuppan, just stroking his back or feeding him something.It was diffcult to say whom appa hated more - amma or Karuppan. It was always Karuppan,the target of his anger though.I was sure he wouldn't dare to hit amma.Maybe he was scared she wouldnt hesitate to hit him back.So he took out his vengeance on that poor thing.

She had been with the family for now almost 12 years and was as much a sufferer as us, maybe even more.I wondered what kept us all going and if we were destined to continue this way.Amma and Rekha were my emotional strength.I drew strength from them to keep going.I wonder what they did when they felt down.
One day when I was in first year college, I returned home to find athai*(1) and appatha*(2) sitting in the hall.It had been years since they all had come home.For almost many years now, appa had not been sending money regulalry to appatha..Appatha had come one day and yelled at amma saying she was the reason of her son's downfall.Her visit had ensured one long fight at home, when amma retorted back to appa for the first time.It had resulted in Karuppan limping, for appa threw a chair on her.

After that appatha had not come here for years.Appa was sitting on the floor and amma was by the kitchen door.When I entered, athai smiled at me and said "Vaadee..en marumagalae"*(3).I felt very uneasy at these people's presence and warm welcome.Amma signalled me to go inside.I went and sat on the bed. I could hear athai's voice booming.."So, what do you say..are you okay with this or not?".I could hear appa mumbling.I didn't know what the matter was.But whatever it was appa didn't like it.He was alwasy like this-bad at handling problems and trying to escape from them instead of facing them head on.

Just then amma said in a clear tone, "No, we are not interested".Interested in what I wondered.
Then appatha said "Don't interfere when I am talking with my son.Shanmugam (that was my father's name), give me an answer..I have told Parvathi's husband( my athai's husband), that I would not come back without fixing a date for the marraige".
It felt as though somebody was pressing a hot iron to my head.So that was what it was all about.Apatha wanted me married to Sundaram,athai's son.He was a good for nothing .He was almost 26 I think.He had not even cleared his 10th exams and managed a STD booth in village, which I suspected, my father had a hand in.I was aghast that they could even come up with such a thing.

Appa was again mumbling.It sounded something like "Let her finish college".Even appa didn't have the heart to get his daughter married to such a boy.Then I heard amma, "No.I am not getting my daughter married to somebody like Sundaram.Not now, not after she finishes college".The moment she said I knew it was the wrong thing to say.She was insulting his relations.This would just infuriate appa more.

I could hear appatha and athai shuffling to their feet. Appatha was yelling that she had never been so insulted in her life.Karuppa started growling at them .Amma tried to quieten him, " Karuppan..keep quiet".
It was athai this time."I don't know how you are staying with this woman.She is equating you to a dog and she is constantly insulting you by calling this b*tch Karuppan.I never thought the day would come when I would see my brother reduced to such a state.Even if you agree, I don't want anything to with the women of these house.I don't want my son become like my brother".Karuppan chased them to the gate.

I did not dare to even go outside.I was scared to even think about the outcome of this. When I went out eventually, amma was cooking dinner . Karuppan was as usual by the kitchen door.Rekha had not come back from school still.There was no sign of appa.I desperately wanted to talk about it.Amma was like as though nothing had happened.I wanted to cry out loud in frustration.God! doesn't that woman ever tire of being strong?

I narrated everything to Rekha when she came back."Good thing!..I am happy Karuppan chased them out.I wished she had bitten both the devils..the nerve of them", Rekha was furious.What else should I have expected!.Didn't anybody see what this open insult to him would do!.Rekha just brushed me off saying ,"oh..He will not dare to do anything..he is a coward".

Exactly !He was a coward.That's what bothered me.

When I was lying on bed that night, Rekha sat next to me and brushed my head gently.

"Oh..Rekha ! I am so scared ", I said.

She made soothing sounds.

"Do you think everything will become alright if I marry Sundaram.This might even help appa become nicer",I told Rekha.

"Don't be a goose Anu.Nothing can change appa.He suffers from a inferiority complex, which has no cure.Don't spoil your life for amma's life.Her's is already over.Yours has hardly begun.Don't become unnecessarily emotional", she hissed.

"Do you think we will be ever happy Rekha.Will we ever get loving husbands?", It was me.

"Ofcourse we will be happy.All are not like appa.I am sure you will get a nice husband, who will love you like crazy".

"I know I am not like you or amma Rekha.I am like appa.It scares me.", I was on the verge of tears.

"What nonsense.who said you were like appa..you are not anything like him", she looked like as if she was ready to hit me.

"I mean..I mean , I feel if amma were a little relenting everything would become alright.I sometimes feel if she were not so adamant we could be happy like old times..I get angry at amma even though I know, she is right and he is wrong!..that bothers me..", I started crying..

"God!..what a silly goose you are!.Anu..stop crying and look at me..I don't think amma being nicer to appa would solve the problems.Somehow appa has got it into his head that he is not good enough for amma and he desperately wants to prove that he is better.Even if amma were to bow to his demands, he would only demand more.Unless he realises that she loves him and had never thought otherwise there will be no end to this problem.", Rekha finished.

"But does she love him still?", I asked Rekha.

"I wouldn't know Anu.Maybe she does..or she wouldn't stay with him.I think she hopes he would change someday.", she replied.

"But how do you know she loves him ?", I was puzzled.

"She still calls that b*tch Karuppan..", Rekha smiled and went to sleep.

Glossary :

1) Athai : Father's sister

1) Appatha : Father's mother

2)"Vaadee..en marumagalae"*: "Come ..my daughter-in-law"

Karuppan - Part 1

Short note before u start the story:

The story mainly happens at Coimbatore.The other places mentioned - Palladam and Pollachi are just an hour or so from Coimbatore. Thermanur n Narsipuram are small villages near Coimbatore.

There are some tamil words and sentences used. There is a glossary at the end of each part.Please refer that in case of need

Part 1

Karuppan*(1) was our dog's name.Actually she was a b*tch, but we called her "Karuppa.." anyway, out of habit.By the time I realised she was a b*tch, I had been calling her Karuppa for almost two years.It was amma who had christened Karuppa as Karuppa.When I learnt to differentiate boy and girl babies, I pointed out to amma that our Karuppan should be actually Karuppi.But amma wouldn't hear of that.

She was brought by appa as a two month old puppy.Appa got her from the hospital, he was working in.He was at the Vadugapalayam goverment veternary hospital then.

Vadugapalayam was a few kilometers from Pollachi.He would come to home to Coimbatore during weekends, where Amma ,Rekha and I stayed. Weekends used to be special days then.Amma and I would go saturday morning to buy freshly chopped mutton.Sometimes we would get chicken or fish.But mostly it was mutton.Because appa liked mutton a lot and amma loved watching appa eat it.She would cook it just the way he liked, with lots of pepper.
She would smile and say "Karuppan saapidratha paaaru.."(2)*

Yes, amma called appa Karuppan.Because appa was dark,dark as a coal.Whenever she was fond of him she would call him "En Karuppan.."*(3).In contrast amma was fair.Though Amchi*(4) would exaggerate that amma was fair like "Setu" * (5) girls

Appa's colour was a sore point with amchi.She didn't want her fair gal to be married to such a dark guy.Also appa was not as rich as amma.Amchi and Appuchi*(6) were very rich and had lots of lands in Theramanur and Narsipuram.Now mama managed everything.But Appa was not all that rich.He had struggled a lot when he was young and he was the only educated person in his family.He had a elder sister and two younger brothers.They all lived in Palladam and worked in the neighbouring fields.Even now appa supported them.But amma said she would marry only appa, because appa was educated, and a doctor at that.Never mind that he treated animals.

"Your father makes money by washing animal's ass", amchi would scoff.She would often she would grumble that she brought up a lovely parrot only to give it in the hands of a cat. But amma didn't mind all that.She never complained about appa's colour.Infact, I suspect she was infatuated with black colour.That's why she called Karuppan, Karuppan..
She would say "This was brought by my Karuppan.." and hug her close..

Karuppan was great fun to be with.She was a crossbreed or something, though she looked like any other street dog to me.As soon as I came from school she would lunge hard at me.Then we would play till amma came back from work.Amma taught at the neighbouring school to KG students.When appa was in Coimbatore and staying with us, she didn't work.But now that he has been transferred to Vadugapalaym, she felt bored at home. She would take Rekha, my younger sister, along with her.As soon as amma came Karuppan had time for nobody else.She was such a disloyal dog.When amma was around,she never cared about anyone.She would just trot behind amma.

"Wherever Mary went. the lamb was sure to go..".That was how it was with Karuppan.If amma was in the kitchen, she would sit just outside the door, because she was not allowed inside.If she was in the bedroom,she would sit near the bed.On our saturday trips to the mutton shop, he would also come with us.Kandasaamy annan,the mutton shop owner, always threw a piece for him.

For some strange reason,Karuppan would never go near appa.She always maintained her distance from him.Appa tried to entice her by throwing a piece of mutton from his plate.But she would never touch it.And Karuppan would not go near amma either when appa was around.I could never understand it then.

It was more than three years since appa had been transferred and three weeks since he had come home for weekend.For the past few months he had been irregular in coming, skipping a week or so in between.But never three weeks in a row.Amma was so sure he would come this week that she had got an extra leg of mutton and made soup. When he had not turned up till noon, we went outside and rang up his hospital.Actually it was not a hospital, just a small room in a large compound, where lots of animals were tied.i had once been to the hospital, when I had gone attend a wedding in a nearby village.Nobody picked up the phone but.Amma didn't talk to me on her way back.Even when she served lunch to Rekha and me, she forgot to serve soup.When I reminded her she looked at me blankly for a minute or so before getting the soup bowl from kitchen.That evening maama*(7) came home .Maama asked Rekha and me to go outside and play even though it was getting dark and amma didn't object. By the time we went back home,maama had left.He had gone without saying goodbye.Amma hadn't even called out for us for studying, as she usually did.When both of us finallyw ent back home,she was sitting next to Karuppan stroking his back.


Next day we all went to amchi's house and stayed there for a week.And ofcourse we took Karuppan with us.Throughout our stay Amchi kept yelling and shouting at Karuppan for no reason whatsoever.Poor thing!.When we left back for Coimbatore, maama told amma that he had arranged for everything and that machan*(8) should be transferred to Coimbatore anytime next week.


Amma left her job and stayed at home.Two weeks later appa came home.He had got transferred to Coimbatore.But nothing was ever the same.Amma rarely spoke to appa.Even if she did it was just a word or two.All the communication was through me.We did have mutton on weekends.But we didn't go to the shop to buy it.Amma had it delivered home.Appa invariably came late and often drunk.He would vomit on the floor sometimes and amma wouldn't go near it.It would remain there stinking like hell till the maid servant came next day to clean it.He would yell at amma calling her names and shout obscene words.Amma would just stand there listening to him rave and rant until he tired himself to sleep.She would not cry nor would she yell back at him.She would stand there with the loyal Karuppan by her side.Karuppan would growl now and then at appa, which would infuriate appa to no end.He would throw at him with whatever he could lay his hands on.

On one of my visits to Amchi's house, I learnt from athai that appa had a thoduppu-a mistress- at Pollachi and that's why he was not coming home regularly.And that maama had ensured through his contacts that he get transferred here.Athai asked me if appa still went to see his thoduppu?I was too bewildered to answer.

From that day I lived in constant fear.

I hated the changed atmosphere at home.There was always a unseen tension in the air when appa was around.I would move around fearing that it would snap whatever it was and the whole thing would come crumbling on my head.Most of the days I would cry myself to sleep.Amma hated it when I cried and would say that girls should never cry.It was a sign of weakness according to her.Nevertheless I cried .It made me feel better and I thought it would be a lot better if amma cried too.Because I knew that that was what appa wanted.He wanted her to cry, to beg to him, to plead with him.But amma would never do that.She was strong, too strong for her own good I thought.She was always adamant about what was wrong and what was right!.She would not forgive father for what he did , neither would she leave him and go to amchi's house.It would mean admitting to amchi that her choice had been wrong.


Glossary:
1) Karuppan: the dark/black one
2) "Karuppan saapidratha paaaru.." - "Look at Karuppan eating"
3) "En Karuppan.." : "My Karuppan.."
4) Amchi : Amma's mother.
5) "Setu" girls : North Indian gals
6) Appuchi : Amma's father.
7) Maama : Maternal Uncle
8) Machan : Brother-in-law