THE DARK KNIGHT: Lost in Transcription

There is a reason I am able to follow the plotline of most Hollywood movies. I am serious.I do.

For example, say you ask me : "What is the Matrix?"
I can reply without batting an eyelid "The answer is out there Neo and it is looking for you .It will find you if you want it to".

And that feat is possible, my dear netizens, is because I always,always, switch on the subtitles on them DVDs.

If you asked me a similar question about 'The Dark Knight', I am afraid you will get no such illumination from me. Yes I saw the movie in theatre and I am waiting for the DVD to understand it.

Now I pay my dues. I dont expect to follow 'ER' or 'Law and Order' on TV. Too many people talking at the same time and a lot of technical jargon thrown around.It's only fair that big screen and DTS make things easier for me no? But enter Christopher Nolan - "I am sorry.But the movie will have a plot slightly more complicated than King Kong and will be played without subtitles".

My fate is sealed.But I tried.Scout's honour I did.I present the summary of my attempts evidence:

SPOILER ALERT.DONT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE.

One hour into the movie, I am still trying to understand what the drug deals are all about.How exactly was Gordon doing it? Clueless.Enter Joker.Ok.Never mind the mafia.They are having trouble selling or maybe buying drugs.But have lot of money.Chinese guy is articulate.Joker ain't bad.Chinese guy is going to store the money and Joker wants Batman.So far so good.

Harvey Dent.Aaron Eckhart.Awesome.
Rachel Dawes.Maggie Whatever.Yawn.
Joker.Heath Ledger.Dead.

Michael Caine is telling a story.This is the crux of what Dark Knight is about.Listen carefully.In Burma there were bandits and diamonds like tangerines.Err..and something about how some men are not logical.I guess he is saying Joker does not care for motives.And there he is burning all that money.Phew! That was close.Damn his accent!

Girlfriends of Super Heroes are such bores. What more do these women want? Super Hero ain't good enough for them?Spidey is emotionally unavailable,SuperMan does not go to his son's football games.Next thing I know they are attending couples therapy instead of fighting crime.Somebody just kill her already.

Heath is so menacing.Poor guy!!He could have atleast died after the movie was released.

OMG! Joker has Harvey and Rachel. This situation would be perfect for a song. Batman flying and singing "Jaane jaan..doondtha phir raha ..hoon tumein ..raath din..tu kahan?" and then Rachel going "Main Yahaaan.." .Instead Harvey and Rachel are doing the Hollywood "I am sorry-I love you-Everything will be alright-I promise you" routine. Somebody kill her..just kill her.

Hey....Batman turns up to save Harvey? Didn't he say he was going to save Rachel? I thought he did.Or did he ask Gordon to get Rachel? Or did Joker deliberately mislead Batman? What the..oops..Rachel is dead.Did they really kill her off ? They should actually kill Kirsten Dunst in Spidey 4.That would be great.Maybe all Superhero girlfriends should be killed.They should have a new heroine everytime like the Bond movies.This story arch with girlfriends is the weakest link in these movies.

Heath in the cops' dress looks like Johnny Depp.If Johnny Depp had died long back,who would have played Jack Sparrow? Who else should have died young?

Gordon is dead.Mayor is dead.
Gordon is not dead. Mayor is not dead.

Who came up with the idea for Batman's voice? Arrghh...

Gosh! What happened to Aaron? Oh! No! No! No! Harvey Two-Face literally.Come on Harvey! Shoot the joker..shoot him.Well, ok.I see your point.Batman has to shoot Joker.Aaron looks so much more cooler than Christian Bale.He should be Batman.Wait! What did Joker tell Aaron? Aww..is he also going to turn bad? What did he say? Somebody..subtitles please.

The nurse touch is good.Very funny.Damn! He is dead.

Michael Cain, "We burned the forest".Finally, I get your accent.You british nincompoop!!! Is Capt.Haddock British?

How did joker manage to place bombs in so many places and co-ordinate? Doesn't he operate alone?

Batmobile.That is the best thing EVER.Do women have testosterone? Kill the Joker and lets go home.

Alright! There is Harvey Two-Face.He would make a good Mummy me thinks.He wants to kill Gordon's boy because he didn't save Rachel? What a load of crap! Is this his motivation to kill a little boy? The white knight becomes the dark knight.So the dark knight is really Harvey?

So Batman accidentally kills a few cops.That is a big deal? Hell, if we had Batman in my country, I woudn't mind if he wiped off the entire force.

THE END.Finally!!!!

Since I have to wait for the DVD, I read the reviews.

Let me clarify a few things for you.I dont want you to be confused like me.

1) Joker is actually chaos.
2) Harvey represents how even good people fall from grace.Hello..Lucifer?
3) Batman struggles with his dark side and HE IS THE DARK KNIGHT.Not Harvey.
4) Batman has always shrank back from killing villains.He only wants to reform them.Read some comics..will you?
5) The movie references the post 9/11 American conscience.

Who? What?Really? When did they do it? Wait for the subtitles.